I sit at my computer scouring the Internet to find out if there's any chance the lowly Seahawks can beat fantasy god Aaron Rodgers (who destroyed two playoff runs for me - I know you're all interested in my fantasy life) and the Green Bay Packers. I have Google searched, made 7 phone calls and texted two doctors inquiring about DeAngelo Williams's ankle injury. I have played four Play Station 2 (I know it's sad, one day i'll upgrade) versions of the Dallas at Washington (all losses for Dallas by the way) game and it's only three days after the Giants dismantled the Washington Redskins, which led to this post-game exchange with my girlfriend:
Girlfriend - Wow, you seemed tame tonight. Did you even break a sweat? (Sadly it's true, I work up a lather during games).
Me - Nah, I'm turning a new leaf, no more ball throwing or yelling at the TV (side conversation - one time I threw a baseball through my brand new 37-inch Vizio flat screen - sad thing is the Mets (I know, I know) were up by 7).
Girlfriend - So it has nothing to do with the fact that the Giants won by 33 points?
Me - Well…..no. I mean….. maybe….. a little. Wait, since when did you start paying attention?
Girlfriend - Since you ruined every Sunday for the last three years.
Me - I love you.
Girlfriend - Yeah, yeah.
I have ruined Sundays for the last three years, but it goes back further and then it dawned on me, I am not a fan, I am not a player, I am not an analyst, I am not an announcer, I am not a coach and yet I am convinced that I care more, I read more, I prepare harder and I literally live and cry with my team.
I am standing in front of a room full of strangers who sit in a circle with foam fingers, LT jerseys and blue painted faces and I say proudly "HELLO BIG BLUE VIEW, I AM DAVID JACKS AND I HAVE BEEN A DIE HARD FOR 31 YEARS PROUD," and perhaps you are too. I give you my guide for "understanding whether or not you may be a die hard." If you answer yes to any of these questions you may in fact have a problem, or as I see it, you may be the luckiest person alive.
1) Has the mentioning of the names Vai Sikahema or Joe Pisarcik ever made you want to light your face on fire or caused you to stare at a blank television for 35 minutes?
2) Have you ever performed a mundane task, like running on a treadmill, and performed that much better in hopes that it would help the Giants win that week?
3) Are you constantly pointing out to other fans who players are? Great example Monday night, did you turn to friends as I did and say "That's Bear Pascoe. He was signed off the practice squad on December 4th, 6th-round pick of the Niners, decent blocker but not much of a receiver" while your friends stared at you like a retarded monkey staring at a ferris wheel?
4) Do your moods completely change based on a win or loss that Sunday? Wait, that's not die hard, that's just a fan. Let me clarify, do you tumble into a deep Britney Spears-like depression until the following Wednesday when you can finally focus on the upcoming opponent and the days practice (of which you will not participate because YOU DO NOT PLAY FOR THE GIANTS)?
5) Win or lose, have ever been sad just knowing the game was over and you wouldn't get to see those 11 blue helmets line up for another seven days?
6) Do the terms "wide right" and "the escape/ the catch" still give you goose bumps? Does Gary Reasons hit in the snow of Denver make you smile? Does Mark Bavaro's one man march in San Fran force the hairs on your neck to stand up? Does Mark Ingram's third-and-impossible Super Bowl effort make you fist pump like an animal (my Jersey Shore reference for the week)? Does "cover 0" make you think of Plaxico's game winning Super Bowl grab? Does every number 56 in the league make you disgusted for even thinking they could wear Superman's cape? DO YOU BLEED BLUE?
7) Have you, at one time or another, been convinced that every NFL announcer hated the New York Giants? I am fairly partial in this category, but during a loss I can be convinced of any conspiracy theory against Big Blue, and my hatred for Tony Siragusa is unmatched. Go ahead try and match me … see, can't be done.
8) Have you ever been convinced that a ritual you performed has won a game for the Giants? Example: 2007 Super Bowl, long time Die Hard and friend Shep stands up behind my couch right before Kevin Boss breaks a 45-yard catch and run. Shep is then instructed not to move from his spot or he will be killed, as a good Die Hard he accepts this offer and remains standing behind the couch for the remainder of the game. Giants win, 17-14, and all credit goes to Shep, and maybe some to Tyree/Eli/Tuck, but mainly to Shep. (Some other notable mentions - Jets Die Hard and friend Faz once ate Subway sandwiches for two straight weeks during the 2002 playoff run. I have listened to Rage Against the Machines"Testify" before every game for six years, and I have convinced myself the Giants do the same. Playoff beards/ jerseys/ mustaches are always welcome.
9) Have you ever flipped out on a family member who tried to force you to an event during game day. As a teen I missed several bar-mitzvah's for this very reason, and I considered ducking out as a best man once, but was convinced by my buddy (nicknamed the Neck) that our friendship meant more then the game. To this day I'm not so sure he was right. Giants lost to the Panthers, 23-0, said friend makes up for his miscue two years later as he eats a McRib pre-game every Sunday for 20 weeks. Which lead to this exchange after Big Blue's miraculous Super Bowl win;
Neck - The McRib has magical powers Jacks.
Me - You're a great man.
Neck - I'm gonna throw up.
Me - You realize you have to do this all next year?
Neck - Just let me enjoy tonight man…(then 30 seconds of silence as we sat in complete disbelief, and then the loudest most joyous noise I have ever heard. Think of William Wallace yelling freedom!) MCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIBBBBBBBBB!!!!!!
The ritual ended the following year as his wife was pregnant and told the Neck that the McRib made her want to vomit, and if he ever ate one again she would put his genitalia in a salad shooter. Giants lose to the Eagles first round, need I say more.
10) Have you ever cried after a loss? I have never had this experience but after the Giants lost to the Ravens in the Super Bowl (How could you hold, Keith Hamilton?) I didn't speak for several hours. Then I called my mom and allegedly said "it hurts mom, how could they do this to me?"
Remember, if you said yes to any of these 10 questions you may have a problem, but I would assume since you are here at Big Blue View we already know the answer to that. You don't have a problem, you are the luckiest people alive. You are Giants Die Hards, and nothing could be better. Ok I have to run and get three McRib's, run on a treadmill at exactly 8.1 for 30 minutes and convince my girlfriend that watching the Giants vs. Panthers is far more important then her grandfather's 80th birthday.