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A chat with Brett Favre ... sort of


Since there is currently no Jets blog here on SB Nation, I can't do a '5 Questions' segment with a rival blogger this week. So, in place of that, here is a Q&A with Jets quarterback Brett Favre ... sort of. It's actually what Favre would have said if he had really spoken with Big Blue View.

Big Blue View: Thank you for taking ...

Favre: Cut the speech and get on with the questions, punk! I haven't got all day. I've got hunting to do.

Big Blue View: Hunting? In New York City?

Favre: Yep. I'm hunting for Corey Webster. That imbecile ruined my retirement, having the balls to intercept that pass. Without him, I could have gone to the Super Bowl and then retired like the hero I really am, which is what was supposed to happen. I'm BRETT FAVRE, dammit! I have unfinished business with him.

Big Blue View: Umm ... Mr. Favre, Webster will be playing Saturday night in your exhibition game against the Giants. You can find him on the field.

Favre: Oh. He didn't retire? Dummy should have. He will never have another moment like that in his career. Intercepting me, BRETT FAVRE! I hope that moron blitizes during the game. I'll drill him right between the eyes with a pass. Intercept me, will ya? Jerk!

Big Blue View: Speaking of the Packers, are you bitter about how things ended in Green Bay?

Favre: Freakin' punk Ted Thompson! Tell me -- BRETT FAVRE -- to stay retired! Tell me -- BRETT FAVRE -- I can be the backup quarterback. Me -- BRETT FAVRE -- a backup? Ridiculous! I'm the most important player in the history of the sport! Backup? Screw that! Just wait. I'm gonna buy that team one day, rename it the Green Bay Favres, move the stadium (Favre Stadium, of course) to my ranch and play until I'm 100! Punk!

Big Blue View: Let's talk about the Jets. Are you enjoying playing for them so far?

Favre: Playing is fine, but they actually want me to practice. Practice? Who needs friggin' practice? I'm BRETT FAVRE for chrissakes! My arm hurts from all this throwing, and that know-nothing coach Man-goofball, Man-dingo, whatever his name is actually made me run the other day. Me! BRETT FAVRE! He made me run! Who the hell does he think he is?

Big Blue View: What do you think of the Jets receiving corps?

Favre: Man, they're a bunch of whimps. They keep complaining that I throw the ball too hard. Pansies are used to catching passes from that Pennington guy, you know, the quarterback version of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Dude's got an arm made for the Arena League. We need Anquan Boldin. Now, there's a receiver. And, you know, the Jets better give me what I want. The friggin' Packers wouldn't give me Randy Moss, and look at what I did to them. Left them with Aaron Rodgers. I'm BRETT FAVRE! Ha ha! Screw the Packers!

Big Blue View: You are sharing the city with Eli Manning, a quarterback who just won the Super Bowl MVP award. What do you think of Eli?

Favre: Sharing the city? I don't share anything with anybody, unless my wife tells me to! Didn't you see Mayor WhatsHisName kiss my feet and give the city to me? It's mine, mine, mine! I'm BRETT FAVRE dammit! As for Eli, he's a punk, and he's got my Super Bowl ring. Friggin' thief, needs to show me the respect I deserve! He's nothing compared to me, BRETT FAVRE! Geesh, the kid can't even grow a manly beard like I can.

Big Blue View: How long do you intend to play for the Jets?

Favre: What kind of question is that? How the hell should I know? I might retire tomorrow. I might retire when I'm 70. I might never retire because my wife says I'm an egotistical pain in the ass around the house and I might not be allowed to go home. So, who knows. If the Jets aren't nice to me I might pretend to retire and force them to trade me to the Bears ... or ... or ... oh hell, I don't know. Somewhere.

Are we done yet? Oh hell, why am I asking you? I'm BRETT FAVRE and I say we're done! You're boring me with these questions. I'm outta here, punk! See ya. Oh, and make sure you don't write anything that pisses me off. I'm BRETT FAVRE, you know, and I will get you if you make me angry.