Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Part 2

This is part 2 and maybe final edition of some excerpts from a British book called "Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops" by Jen Campbell. The actual book has a lot more than i have posted on this site:

1) CUSTOMER: Do you have any pop-up books on sex education?

2) CUSTOMER: I’m going to America next year and I’d like to read about it before I go.

BOOKSELLER: Sure, our travel section’s probably your best bet.

CUSTOMER: No, I don’t think so . . . Do you have any stories about cowboys and Indians?

3) CUSTOMER: I’ve just discovered that I’m Brad Pitt’s sister and David Cameron’s cousin. Is there a biography about me?

4) CUSTOMER: Can books conduct electricity?

5) CUSTOMER: Can I have a copy of Black Beauty, please?

BOOKSELLER: Of course. You’ll find a variety of different editions in the children’s section.

CUSTOMER (returning with three in her hand): I’ll have this one (hands over a hardback version). I wonder who wrote the other two . . .

6) CUSTOMER: Does this book come in other versions?

BOOKSELLER: I can check on the computer for you.

CUSTOMER: It’s just that I don’t like the way that this one pans out.

7) CUSTOMER: Would you mind if I had a little sleep on your sofa?

8) CUSTOMER: Excuse me, I don’t know the title, the author or what the book’s about, but I know there were two words in the title

BOOKSELLER: Ok, where did you see it?

CUSTOMER: Can’t remember - please don’t rush me. The two words were ‘something’ and ‘something’.

BOOKSELLER: ‘Something and something’? That doesn’t ring a bell I’m afraid, do you remember what the book looked like?

CUSTOMER: Can’t you just search for it?

BOOKSELLER: But . . . I don’t have anything to search for.

CUSTOMER: (Takes a pen and paper) Look, just type this ‘. . . . . And . . . . .’ into the computer. I can’t believe you are so stupid!

9) BOY: Mummy, can I have this book?

WOMAN: Go and see if your dad will buy it for you.

BOY: Dad! Mummy says if you don’t buy me this book, then you can’t sleep in her bed tonight!

10) EMAIL FROM CUSTOMER: Please, I would like to know if this book has any mildew smell. If not I will order it as soon as possible. I have one copy but don’t like the smell. Thank you.

11) MAN: (sidles up to counter and whispers): Hi . . .


MAN: Do you sell condoms?

BOOKSELLER: . . . Sorry, no, this is a bookshop.

MAN: Oh . . . It’s just my girlfriend’s out in the car, and we’re getting a bit desperate . . .

BOOKSELLER: Hmm. Have you tried the service station just out there?

MAN: Oh. No. But are you sure you couldn’t just lend me one?

BOOKSELLER: Sorry, no . . . Try the service station.

MAN: OK. Thanks . . . Better run.

12) CUSTOMER: We’ve got so many books at home that we’ve had to start recycling them.

BOOKSELLER: You mean you’re taking them to charity shops?

CUSTOMER: No, I mean we’ve actually started recycling them. You know, putting them out with the bins.

13) 'What books could I buy to make guests look at my bookshelf and think: ‘Wow, that guy’s intelligent’?

14) Do you have any comics where the women have really big breasts? It’s . . . er . . . it’s for an art project.

15) I’ve been looking through your geography section – I can’t find any books on Atlantis.

16) Do you have a restricted section?

17) Where do you keep Hamlet? You know ‘to be or not to be’? Is it in philosophy?

18) CUSTOMER: Hi, do you sell Christmas trees?


CUSTOMER: Oh. I thought it was worth asking because you’ve got lots of Christmas books in the window.

19) CUSTOMER: You should consider arranging your books by size and colour.

BOOKSELLER: But then no one would be able to find anything.

CUSTOMER: Well, that doesn’t matter. It’d look pretty.

20) CUSTOMER: Is your poetry section split up into rhyming and non-rhyming sections?

BOOKSELLER: No, it’s just in alphabetical order. What kind of poetry are you looking for?

CUSTOMER: Rhyming. Preferably iambic pentameter, in poems of no more than ten lines, by a female poet. But, other than that, I don’t mind.

21) CUSTOMER: Hi, I just wanted to check: are you a bookshop, or are you a library?

22) CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on the Enlightenment? My son’s just about to start studying it at school. It’s all about the light bulb being invented, right?

23) I’ve got a while before my bus. Are you and any of the other customers interested in playing cards?

24) CUSTOMER: I’d like to buy your heaviest book, please.

25) CUSTOMER: Do you have any books signed by Margaret Atwood?

BOOKSELLER: We have many Margaret Atwood books, but I’m afraid we don’t have any signed by Margaret Atwood, no.

CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a birthday present of my wife. I know she’d really love a signed copy. You couldn’t fake a signature could you?

26) CUSTOMER: Do you sell reading books?

BOOKSELLER: Errr . . .

CUSTOMER: You know, books you can read?

BOOKSELLER: Did you have anything in mind? Fiction? Biography? Any other subject?

CUSTOMER: Just reading.

BOOKSELLER: Oh, sorry, do you mean books on learning how to read? My mistake. Yes, I can show you . . .


27) CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book about this big (indicates size). I’ve got a space on my bookshelf and I need to fill it. It’s really bugging me.

BOOKSELLER: What kind of book would you like?

CUSTOMER: I don’t care, just as long as it’s this exact size.

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