THE GIANTS ON THE ROAD TO INDIANAPOLIS MOCK GIANTS DRAFT 7-ROUNDS
Don’t you just love being a Giants fan? Unlike the fans of other teams who must worry what the heck their GMs are up to and whether they will draft sufficient linemen and safeties and corners, we can sleep soundly at night knowing owner John Mara, GM Jerry Reese, and headmaster Tom Coughlin have spent 25 hours a day since the season’s end deciding who are the best players to draft. Although the G-men normally take the best jock available there is some semblance of position need. Take last year. Despite winning the Super Bowl, the Giants had no return game. What did they do? They went out and drafted the speedy running back David Wilson out of Virginia Polytechnic Institute. That’s what they did. And when he wasn’t fumbling, Tom Coughlin allowed him to play, and when he was allowed to play he was very fast a foot. Imagine if government or the New York Mets were that efficient. Besides, Coughlin once considered entering the seminary. You can sleep well at night knowing that a guy who almost became a priest is watching over your team.
Did you know that the original manuscript of Jack Kerouac’s novel, On the Road, is in Indianapolis, right near this weekend’s Combine? That’s right: it is in the personal possession of Colt’s owner Robert Irsay, who liked road trips when he was young so much he drove the entire Colts franchise out of Baltimore in the middle of the night. As I understand it, Kerouac drove down to New Orleans, missed Archie Manning because he was still in grade school in Mississippi, drove back to Yankee Stadium to watch Charley Conerly play quarterback, vowed to root for the Giants if Archie’s son Elisha played quarterback for them, and urged Reese to select Missouri tackle Sheldon Richardson with the team’s first pick in the 2013 NFL draft. Well, here are the draft details, and I’m not expecting you to comment on whether Allen Ginsberg’s editing was crucial to understanding On the Road or whether the recent adaption into a movie was any good. Just the football facts, guys.
GIANTS 2013 DRAFT
Sheldon Richardson, DT, Mizzou: Star Lotulelelei, ha ha, ha. You can fool Todd McShay and his sidekick with the 1950s hairdo, but you can’t fool Reese, Coughlin, the Giants scouts or the maintenance crew at MetLife Stadium. They know Sheldon Richardson has the best motor (apparently a combination of a big heart and strong lungs) in this draft. And since Coughlin is not saintly when it comes to not stopping the run, this is job 1 in this draft.
Jamar Taylor, CB, Boise State: Well, okay, there were issues about stopping the pass too in the losing streak late in the year. You never have enough cornerbacks, and at the rate they get injured on the Giants, it sometimes seems like they don’t have any. It’s like there is a rotation but the rotation is not to play in the game but to get surgery.
Sean Porter, OLB, Texas A&M: The Giants need at least two linebackers, and maybe even three, so let the drafting begin. Porter is a great pass rusher too, so I think he has the right DNA to be a Giant.
Nico Johnson, ILB, Alabama: Does Alabama win the national championship every year by recruiting lousy players or is it that Nick Saban is just a genius, because they always seem to be rated lower in the draft than the players from the teams they beat up on. So Johnson is only a 4th rounder, and so the Giants only draft him to start.
Nick Kassa, TE, Colorado: Being so religious, it is against Tom Coughlin’s religion to draft tight ends high in the draft. Of course, Coughlin believes in seniority and feels it builds character to limit the playing time of rookies, as a matter of principle. Remember how little Victor Cruz played in his first year? Coughlin had better make at least five exceptions this year. And sign Martellus Bennett before he remembers how warm it is in Texas in late November and December, and forgets that he wants “to retire as a Giant.”
John Johnson, CB, Purdue: As we know, from that other team in town, Purdue continues to turn out tremendous corner backs even though they can’t beat anybody in the Big Ten.
Ray Ray Armstrong, OLB/SS, Faulkner: Yeah, I never heard of Faulkner either, other than the author from the town where Eli’s father went to school, and I have no idea where it is. Yet I remember that Armstrong lived in the Garden of Eden known as Coral Gables before eating the forbidden apple, or something, and is one hell of a football player. He or his financial advisor, or his coaches, or his agent, or his girlfriend, seems to think that he should play linebacker in the NFL, instead of safety, for reasons that have not been shared with me. He can probably do both. Does a draft pick get better than that or what?
Is the cupboard bare? No supplemental picks? It’s over this soon and we were obsessing about it for months? Life is so cruel. Unless you root for the New York Football (shut up, Howard, you’re dead) Giants.
Ah, but there’s more. There’s free agents. Even ones who don’t believe in sitting on the bench their first year or serving on the practice squad.
POSSIBLE FREE AGENTS
Jawanza Starling, SS, USC
Brandon Sharpe, OLB, Syracuse
Brad Sorenson, QB, Southern Utah
Albert Rosette, ILB, Nevada
Luke Marquardt, OT, Azusa Pacific
TJ Moe, WR, Mizzou
Justice Cunningham, TE, South Carolina
William Campbell, DT, Michigan
Joe Madsen, C, West Virginia
John Wetzel, OT, Boston College
Dan Buckner, WR, Arizona
Michael Ford, RB, LSU
Devin Smith, CB, Wisconsin
Kenny Tate, OLB, Maryland