ATTN: This is just a satire.

GIANTS TROUNCE COWBOYS BEHIND BIG GAME FROM STARS

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. - Jerry Jones was confident and vocal all off-season, culminating in a declaration at the start of Cowboys training camp that the Cowboys fans should "come out and watch us beat the Giants' asses."

Well, the Giants were having none of it. They successfully mounted their first title defense challenge by thrashing the Dallas Cowboys, 41-6 on a mild Wednesday night.

"It was a good win, a good win," opined Coach Tom Coughlin, "There's still a lot of work to do, but I think we'll enjoy this one. It shows that we've prepared well in the offseason, overcome some adversity, and got the season off to a good start. There were a few rocky moments, but we came out of it alright. We'll start getting ready for Tampa Bay tomorrow."

The Giants were paced by Eli Manning, who continued his stellar play from last season by completing 27 of 36 passes for 414 yards and 4 TDs. Manning's numbers were generated mostly through the monstrous play of Hakeem Nicks, who caught 10 passes for 206 yards and 3 TDs, mostly against Dallas' big free agent prize, Brandon Carr. It was Nicks' 2nd three touchdown game of his career.

Initially, Nicks' availability for this game was in doubt because of a fractured foot suffered during June OTAs. However, he was deemed good enough to go, and exploded, perhaps on the landscape of the NFL elite with the display he put on Wednesday night.

"I felt good. I felt like Eli and I already had enough of a connection to do well. I didn't feel any pain from my foot and was able to get in some practice this past week. Hopefully we can continue playing the way we did.," Nicks said.

Victor Cruz chipped in from the slot, catching 6 balls for 85 yards, while newly minted 3rd WR Jerrel Jernigan was a bit quieter and grabbed 3 balls for 35 yards. The Giants' newest addition, Martellus Bennett, played well. He caught 4 receptions for 56 yards and a goal line TD early in the 1st. He had this to say about his former team:

"Well I guess you guys know who really is the better team, now, huh? Yeah, I think my new nickname is Aphrodite because the way I looked catching those touchdowns made the "star" look kind of silly now. New York is where it's at, baby."

The Cowboys could not muster much offense behind a suffocating, revitalized New York defense. Tony Romo was afforded little time, as the overmatched Dallas offensive was no match for the Giants' vaunted defensive line. Defensive superstar Jason Pierre-Paul notched 2.5 sacks going up against rising star Tyron Smith, while Linval Joseph nabbed 1.5 sacks of his own, along with 2 pass deflections. Stalwarts Justin Tuck and Mathias Kiwanuka added sacks of their own as well.

Romo passed for 281 yards, but also threw 2 INTs. Both picks came courtesy of 2011 1st round pick Prince Amukamara, who was covering Miles Austin. Austin finished the game with 5 catches for 80 yards. Supposed breakout star, Dez Bryant finished the game with 2 catches for 30 yards while being covered by Corey Webster.

"They just beat us in every phase of the game," Jason Garrett said in the post-game presser. "They played more physically and wore us down. We have to go back to the drawing board and get ready to play better next week. Not much else you can do."

Jerry Jones was not available for comment.

With the victory, the Giants move to 1-0 on the year and the Cowboys fall to 0-1.

Notes:

> Steve Weatherford punted only twice in the game, but both punts landed inside the 20.

> The Giants had 122 yards rushing, 40 more than their per game average in 2011. Ahmad Bradshaw led all rushers with 91 yards.

> The Cowboys only had 2 sacks in the game, both by Demarcus Ware.

> NYG FB Henry Hynoski left the game in the 2Q with an apparent arm injury, but returned after the half.