*Idea inspired by 5Blings of Blogging the Boys.
April 26th, 2012 7:00 P.M EST.
Whew. It's finally here. Time to settle down with some drinks, some friends, some salsa (Cruz style!), and get this party started! Hopefully we don't draft Mike Adams. Oh please, oh please, lets not draft Mike Adams. Seriously, I'm going to go on BBV after this and RAGE if It's Mike Adams.
Whoops. Just let out a bit of gas. Knew I should not have eaten 5 of those Taco Bell burritos. Might need to take a quick jaunt over to the porcelain throne before this party gets kicked off. Friends won't notice. Let's sneak outta here.
Ah, this is better.
(A few graphic moments later, a strange light appears)
"What the ****!"
Find out what happened to poor Invictus XI after the jump.
"What the ****! What's going on?"
::A surreal voice fills the bathroom:
Strange light: "B....B....I....."
"Well, technically, its Invictus XI now, but that's besides the point...just what are you?"
Strange light: "It....matters....not! B...B...I, tell me this....how would you like to become Jerry Reese....for today....?"
"That would be SICK! Normally, I'd question as to why or how, but hell, I'm either on hallucinogenic drugs or this is some dark magic, so I won't question it. Are we switching bodies like some sort of Freaky Friday thing?"
Strange light: ".....Something like that.....you should be embarrassed you know what Freaky Friday is....no matter, though. You will take over Jerry Reese's body until midnight tonight. Meanwhile, your friends will assume you are having an extremely uncomfortable bout of diarrhea. They will not disturb you. This is your opportunity, should you choose to accept it."
"Damn RIGHT I choose to accept it!"
Strange light: "So be it.....B....B...I"
My goodness. I feel like I just pounded a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon. What a headache. How did this happen?
What the.....why am I bald?!?! Holy hell! My hands....they look...look...so chocolatey! And my eyes! It looks like I'm squinting, but I'M NOT! And...this smell...I've smelled it before...it's...success.....
"I REALLY AM JERRY REESE! THIS IS A MIRACLE! A MIRACLE!"
::An assistant of some sort walks in at that moment::
Scout: "Um....sir....you're sort of, um, needed...in the war room. It's 8 'o clock."
"...ah yeah....right...thanks for letting me know...uh...Carlton..."
Scout: "It's Fred, sir."
"Ah, Fred. Right. Thank you, Fred. I'll be there in, like 10 minutes, tops."
"You dare question me, Carlt...Fred?! Get out of my room!"
Scout: "Yessir, right away sir"
20 minutes later. War room is freaking out. Pacing back and forth. I appear clutching a six pack of beer.
"My God, you guys won't believe how hard it is to find a six pack of Dogfish Head 90 min IPAs around here...jeez"
Marc Ross: "WTF JERRY!!! ITS ABOUT TO START!"
"Chill out, man, be cool. Be cool. This is why you didn't get the Chicago Bears job. Or it could've been the weed I planted in your suitcase, but nah, its probably your temper."
Marc Ross: "YOU DID WHAT!?"
"Ah, nothing, never mind. Look, its starting"
::Roger Goodell comes on the 60" flat screen TV, and all the hustle and bustle by the scouts and coaches stops::
"Goodell. What an annoying blowhard. Always wants things done his way. Ah well, at least Ol' Johnny boy's got him wrapped around his finger. Whenever Jerrah and Snydey get too annoying, let's dock 'em another couple million in salary cap money, right Tom?"
Tom Coughlin: "Lawl."
::With the first pick in the 2012 NFL Draft, the Indianapolis Colts select Andrew Luck, QB::
"Well its about time, did Irsay really have to wait 5 minutes to get that pick in? Jeez, I can't tell if he's more annoying in person or on Twitter, right Tom?"
Tom Coughlin: "Lawl."
Marc Ross: "Uhh, are you feeling alright, Jerry?"
"Never better, Marc. Now shut up."
::With the 2nd pick, the Washington Redskins select Robert Griffin III, QB::
"Akili Smith 2.0. Ha! Maybe not. But I swear, JPP, Tuck and if Osi ever stops whining, then him too, will make him feel like crap this season. He'll have his growing pains. I bet Snyder is pissing his pants with glee, though. RGIII will be like a money printing press"
Marc Ross: "Yeah, this means he's got his franchise QB without having to pay him too much. It's a win-win for him."
::With the 3rd pick, the Minnesota Vikings select Matt Kalil, OT::
"Man, this draft is so predictable. I guess those other guys just aren't as dumb anymore. This kid Kalil would've looked good in blue."
::With the 4th pick, the Cleveland Browns select Ryan Tannehill, QB::
Tom Coughlin: "Lawl"
::With the 5th pick, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select Trent Richardson, RB::
::With the 6th pick, the St. Louis Rams select Morris Claiborne, CB::
"Thank goodness Gregg Williams ain't with the Rams now. Claiborne is a good kid, but I don't want him diving at Vic's ACLs or anything."
::With the 7th pick, the Jacksonville Jaguars select Michael Floyd, WR::
"Dude's probably going to celebrate by getting drunk. Ha, get it, Marc?"
Marc Ross: "I'm sure they did their homework, Jerry."
"Like they did with Blaine Gabbert?"
::With the 8th pick, the Miami Dolphins select Quinton Coples, DE::
::I shout to the whole room::
"Anybody want to place any bets on how long Quinton stays there before deciding he doesn't want to play for Miami? Ha ha, anybody?"
::The room stays silent.::
"Wow, y'all are real grumpy today."
:: With the 9th pick, the Carolina Panthers select Fletcher Cox, DT::
Tom Coughlin: "Lawl."
::With the 10th pick, the Buffalo Bills select Dre Kirkpatrick, CB/FS::
::With the 11th pick, the Kansas City Chiefs select David DeCastro, OG::
"WOOOOOT, now Dallas can't have a good OL again!"
::With the 12th pick, the Seattle Seahawks select Luke Kuechly, ILB::
"WOOOOOT, even with Demeco, the rest of Philly's LBzez suck!"
Marc Ross: "Did you just say 'LBzez'?"
::With the 13th pick, the Arizona Cardinals select Riley Reiff, OT::
Scout: "Mr. Reese, sir...you have a phone call from Jerry Jones about a trade."
"What? What makes that bogey muncher think I want to move up this high? Is he getting senile? Does he not understand the meaning of BEE PEE AYY?"
Scout: "Um, he's on speaker."
Jerrah: "Did you just call me a bogey muncher?"
"Nahhhhhh. I called you a, uhhh, Hoagie cruncher. Because you, uh, love your sandwiches! Especially crispy ones!"
Jerrah: "I do fancy me some sandwiches! Anyways, do you want to trade up this far? I hear there's some pretty good guys out there! All it'd cost ya is this year's 1st and next year's first! I know you like that kid Doug Martin...."
"I'm not the Saints, dude."
::With the 14th pick, the Dallas Cowboys select Michael Brockers, DE::
::With the 15th pick, the Philadelphia Eagles select Melvin Ingram, DE::
"Leave it to the Igglets to pick an awkwardly sized, high motor, T-Rex armed pass rusher. When will they learn? You traded up and didn't get JPP. Get over it."
Marc Ross: "Yeah! High five!"
::With the 16th pick, the New York Jets select Courtney Upshaw, OLB::
"Hey, a slow, stiff Anthony Spencer clone! Nicely done, Rex. At least this way, you can blame your offense for this 40+ consecutive failure and say, 'Hey, I tried!' on defense. High five, Tom"
Marc Ross: "Hey! No high fives for me!"
Tom Coughlin: "Lawl."
::With the 17th pick, the Cincinnati Bengals select Stephon Gilmore, CB::
::With the 18th pick, the San Diego Chargers select Cordy Glenn, OG/OT::
"Damn those Chargers! Ah well, maybe we should grab Mike Adams with our pick, then offer the Chargers our first rounder next year to swap. That way, Glenn would turn out to be the next Carl Nicks and help us win a chip. Adams would be solid, but always give up a sack at the most inopportune times."
::With the 19th pick, the Chicago Bears select Kendall Wright, WR::
"There you go! Give Jay Cutler some more weapons! It'll be awesome! Too bad he'll be laying on his back to get it to them. Idiots. Marc, you really wanted to go for this job?"
Marc Ross: "Yes sir. I need to make a name for myself."
"Lol no. Accorsi liked me better."
::With the 20th pick, the Tennessee Titans select Mark Barron, SS::
::With the 21st pick, the Cincinnati Bengals select Kevin Zeitler, OG::
::With the 22nd pick, the Cleveland Browns select Alshon Jeffery, WR::
"DAMN IT, Marc, our targets are dropping like flies! Do something, man! Do something! Don't you guys always sabotage other people or something? Propose a trade then skip out of it like the Bears did to the Ravens."
Marc Ross: "Uhhhh...."
"Forget it, you're useless...."
::With the 23rd pick, the Detroit Lions select Jonathon Martin, OT::
"Hehe, I bet we find out Martin smokes weed like a boss in a few months"
::With the 24th pick, the Pittsburgh Steelers select Dont'a Hightower, ILB::
Marc Ross: "Damn! He was my top guy! Those Steelers sure got the best of us.."
"Are you insane?"
Marc Ross: "I know you never liked him but..."
"You know why, Marc? Because WE ARE SWIMMING IN LBANEEZERS! We got a bunch of average and a few good ones. We got this Rivers dude too! You know who we won with in 2007? Antonio Pierce! Not the good Antonio...the Antonio that probably would've fared better in broadcasting that year. You know who we won with this year? Chase Blackburn! Dude's a cool guy, I mean, I'm no racist or anything, he can play even though he's white...but still man....we ain't talkin' bout Patrick Willis here! So forget Dont'a Hightower! FORGET IT!"
Marc Ross: "Wow, this is still a touchy subject for you, eh?"
::With the 25th pick, the Denver Broncos select Amini Silatolu, OG::
"Yeap, Peyton is definitely running this draft. He's saying 'better not eff me over, jerks. We're going WR and OL all 7 rounds'."
::With the 26th pick, the Houston Texans select Stephen Hill, WR::
::With the 27th pick, the New England Patriots select Whitney Mercilus, OLB::
::With the 28th pick, the Green Bay Packers select Kendall Reyes, DE::
"Surprising how quick the latter part of the round goes when people actually know what they're doing. Once again, targets are falling left and right. Our pick better hurry up!"
::With the 29th pick, the Ravens select Peter Konz, OC::
"Damn it, Ravens!"
Tom Coughlin: "Lawl"
"Not funny, Tom."
::With the 30th pick. the San Francisco 49ers select Janoris Jenkins, CB::
"Not even Darrelle Revis can help you when you have Alex Smith as your QB. Don't know what they're trying but I'm okay with it."
::With the 31st pick, the New England Patriots TRADE to Miami Dolphins. Dolphins select Brandon Weeden QB::
"YES! YESSSSSSSSSSS! Don't care if the Darth Hoodie gets another 1st rounder, he sucks anyway! Thank you Miami for taking another QBeezer!"
::The World Champion...::
::...New York Giants are on the clock::
Marc Ross: "Okay, you're the boss. Who are we taking?"
"So many options! Thanks to some big time reaches by other teams, we have a huge selection of choices. We could opt for Nick Perry, the speedy DE from USC that packs a punch with good bulk and leverage. He'd be a perfect replacement for that whiny dude that keeps bothering me all the time but ends up being too valuable to get rid of. Or we could go with Andre Branch, the DE from Clemson, with probably the fastest first step in the country and great bendability. Kind of raw, though. There's also Chandler Jones, DE Syracuse. Freakishly long arms and he's quite powerful, too. Good short area explosion, so he's an interesting candidate...."
Marc Ross: "There's always Mike Adams..."
"NO! You've lost your talking privileges with that, Marc. Anyway, as I was saying, there's also Rueban Randle, WR out of LSU. Great hands, good height, weight, speed. Nice catching radius. He's a pretty nice option that could eventually blossom into an excellent WR."
Marc Ross: "What about Mohamed Sanu..."
"Sigh. You don't ever learn, do you, Marc? Anyways, there's also Coby Fleener, TE Stanford. He's one of the draft's premier vertical threats. Underrated power, too, and has upside to develop as a very good blocker. Came from a pretty sophisticated offense, and you know the kid's smart. Finally, we could always go with Doug Martin, RB Boise State. Everybody keeps calling him the next Ray Rice. Hell, if he's even 3/4's of what Rice is, he'd be a steal at this pick. Hmm, decisions, decisions..."
::Marc Ross storms off::
Scout: "So who's it going to be...?"
"I think I know..."
::With the 32nd pick, the World Champion New York Giants select....::
Suddenly everything goes dark. I can no longer hear or see anything.
The real Jerry Reese is suddenly jerked back into his body. He looks uncomfortable and starts shaking. He opens his eyes slowly, as they adjust to the light. The first thing he sees is an angry and fed up Marc Ross fist coming to sucker punch him right in the kisser. Sorry Jerry!
Meanwhile, I "wake up" back on my commode. I shake off the same uneasy feeling and get up. I'm slightly dizzy but okay. I'm still unsure if it was just a dream, or something real. Anyways, I leave the bathroom and head over to where my friends are watching post-draft coverage.
Friend 1: Are you okay, man?! You were in there for like 3 hours!
Friend 2: Yeah, dude...you okay? It did NOT sound pretty.
"Yeah, I'm fine. What did I miss?"
Friend 1: Nothing much, that jerkoff Jerry Reese took ANOTHER DE in the 1st round for the Giants. I mean c'mon! His name is Vick Sherry or something like that.