Dear Mr. Coughlin, Mr. Manning and Mr. Gilbride,
My name is Kevin Boss. I realize that you don't know me, but I play on the offensive unit for your football team. I wear No. 89, and I play a position called tight end.
Just to clarify, and I don't want to imply that you don't understand the rules of the game, but I need to clarify this. According to the NFL rulebook, tight end is an eligible receiving position in the sport of football.
I know I am a quiet kid from Oregon, not like that loud mouth, good for nothing, skirt-chasing, coach bashing, party-crashing, ball-dropping, always-complaining, egotistical guy who you ran out of town a couple of years back. Remember that? No, you weren't able to abolish the position of tight end when you ran him off. I'm the guy you gave permission to run out on the field and stand in his spot. Provided I was quiet, of course. And kept coming to meetings 5 minutes early.
I have done all those things. Now, I would actually like to start helping us try to win games. You know all those troubles we have been having scoring touchdowns down in the Green Zone (can't say 'Red Zone' around here, I know)? I'm 6-foot-6, 253 pounds and I have good hands. You throw it to me, I will go get it.
Mr. Manning, how about all that trouble you have been having lately making connections on some of those long throws to Mario and Domenik? You know, first downs and keeping possession of the ball can help you win games, too. In my limited opportunities, I have gotten the feeling that linebackers and safeties don't want any part of me on those short routes -- the ones that get first downs.
I know maybe you guys are confused because I'm almost as big as the linemen. I think maybe that's why that Ramses guy never gets to play, either. The size of that guy, maybe you haven't figured out why he insists that he is a receiver. I don't know, maybe he can play defensive tackle. We need one of those, too. Ah, but that's a different story.
Let's get back to me.
You know, the only other thing I can think of is that my number is causing a problem. When things are going fast on the field I know an "8" might look like a "3" at a glance. Trust me, though, I'm not that Hedgecock character. Throw the ball to him it's a horror film. Bad idea to go there. Throw it to me. I'd like that, thank you very much. I will even be where I am supposed to be, and catch the ball.
You know it's kind of embarrassing that when Ed Valentine from Big Blue View -- a great guy who interviewed me in the off-season -- wanted a photo to go with this story he had to get one from a pre-season game.
That made me go look at the stats on NFL.com. I have 14 catches, 26th among tight ends in the league. I may not be Dallas Clark, but I know there aren't 25 tight ends in this league better than I am. Even some guy named Visanthe Shiancoe has more catches than I do. Didn't you run him outta town, too?Talk about embarrassing.
Anyway, Mr. Coughlin, Mr. Gilbride and Mr. Manning I have rambled on long enough. I just wanted to be sure you were aware that I was here, ready and willing to help this team.
Thank you for your time.